Crunch Montage
by Levan
Summary: Because a thousand, bloodthirsty hollows could never annoy Ichigo. But a box of cereal can, and Rukia just happened to find out.


**A/N**: This is my very first attempt, in the history of my life, of writing a humor /slash/ romance fic. Please bear with my corny jokes and utterly lame remarks that might appear throughout this story. I am truly a noob at this. (Or not, hopefully) D:

* * *

"Hollow?"

"Nope," Rukia replied as she took a swift glance at her soul phone. She closed and inserted it into her pocket before opening one of the cabinets in the kitchen.

It rang again.

"Hollow?"

"Nope," Rukia repeated after taking a look at her soul phone. After repeating her actions previously, she took out a small cereal box of Captain Crunch and closed the cabinet door. She then headed to the refrigerator, her phone also ringing, once again, simultaneously.

"Hollow?"

"Nope," Rukia said once again for the third time in one day. Ichigo seriously needed to get his head out of the blood thirst or else. She opened the refrigerator door this time and snatched up a carton of milk. She took a sniff first, doubting for the very first time the safety of the Kurosaki family's food supplies, and placed it on the dining table where Ichigo stayed.

"Is that thing broken? Why is it ringing all the time?"

"Nothing, really," she replied casually, "I just have a lot of friends."

Ichigo stared at her quietly before continuing. "It's Byakuya, isn't it?"

Rukia squeezed her hands, her fume evident to the orange-haired boy. "Shut up. I know he's worried about me, so what? If you say something like that again, I swear I will bind you to the Koutotsu and leave you there in Dangai to wilt and die."

"Alright alright," Ichigo surrendered, "Perhaps I shouldn't have said that."

Even after pleading guilty to his words, Ichigo felt no remorse coming from Rukia as she slammed the bowl she was holding on top of the table, startling him. The petite woman pulled her chair, the creaks irritating Ichigo's ears, and sat with her face twisted into an angry frown.

Fortunately her anger dissipated immediately, being the stern Shinigami she is. She took the box of Captain Crunch cereal and poured its contents in her bowl together with a large amount of milk. Rukia took a spoonful of cereal and observed it.

"So, the combination of these grain and dairy products is actually quite appealing to you people? Never knew that before."

"Any self-respecting human would know that. Just stop babbling nonsense and eat – I want to get to school as soon as possible."

Rukia growled at his mockery and gobbled up the spoonful of cereal. The taste was quite extraordinary in her mouth – it was sweet and pleasurable, and the taste was quite energizing to her senses. The milk cooled off the heat around her temples and she felt satisfied.

Out of the corner of her eye as she munched on her treat, Ichigo's eye twitched.

_What?_

Curiosity came to her like a landslide – quick and unexpected. Something must be bothering Ichigo as she ate that cereal, and she wanted to find out.

She swallowed and took another spoonful.

_Crunch crunch crunch._

Ichigo's eye twitched again, and she couldn't help but form an evil smirk around her face. She eyed him carefully as she took another bite, and this time Ichigo noticed what she was trying to do.

_Crunch crunch crunch._

"Stop it!" Ichigo screamed. Rukia dropped her spoon.

"Stop what?"

"Stop... that!" Ichigo pointed at her half-eaten bowl, its contents slightly spilled over on the table. "That thing you're doing! You're intentionally annoying me!"

"I'm not doing anything," she answered with a fake smile, "I'm just eating my breakfast, that's all."

Rukia sneered at Ichigo before he slammed his hands on the table and left in quite a hurry. Rukia quickly gorged down on the rest of her cereal before following him to school. One thing she learned from this event was that the power over Ichigo's frustration corrupted her very soul, and she was ironically glad about it.

Throughout the rest of the day, Ichigo was shaking in his chair, paranoia seeping in as he swiftly looked left and right for any sign of Rukia's mischievous intentions. He couldn't concentrate so well, eventually making him flunk the Algebra test he was supposed to ace today.

"Damn Rukia," Ichigo cursed under his breath as he left the classroom. He seriously had enough of her. One more of those biting noises and his temper would have gone through the roof. A smack at her head would probably be sufficient to cool his head, but she wouldn't give up without a fight. And usually she'd target _down there, _making it less likely for him to even have a child. What a bummer.

He walked home alone that day. He denied her very existence when she called him to join her, obviously indicating his complete and utter hate against the girl. Uryuu and Chad had no idea what was going on with them, and the ever-intelligent Orihime had this to say:

"Did Ichigo make you pregnant?"

Rukia nearly puked out most of her juice she was drinking – out from her nose. She graciously answered her in a calm manner after recovering from her outburst. "Of course not, silly. That would never happen between us."

"Really? Well, the other day Ichigo bought something off some store. He said that since you two were always together, he probably needed it just in case. He explained that it was for protection-"

Uryuu and Chad had fortunately shut her up by covering her mouth before she said anything more. Rukia felt dumbfounded.

"D-don't worry about us, Kuchiki-san. Go on ahead."

Rukia had no idea what they were talking about. _Protection...?_ She wanted to muse about this term but she concluded it as some sort of kido-based product.

Uryuu and Chad left with their sweat trickling down their faces as they locked Orihime in their embrace.

Rukia went home afterwards with a suspicious-looking plastic at hand. The wicked smile on her face never left. She entered Ichigo's home and placed her baggage onto the table. Ichigo had already finished his dinner as she got home, but it didn't matter. It only made things much easier.

The ever-curious Yuzu crawled from a corner and inspected her baggage as Rukia ate her dinner. She rummaged through the endless mass of manga and magazines until she arrived at a peculiar looking product.

"This is..."

Rukia pulled her out of the way before she even had to mention what it was.

"Sorry Yuzu, but that's private business."

"Oh uh... Sorry. I just wanted to see what's inside. On another note, why did you buy a..."

Rukia silenced her, placing a finger on Yuzu's lips. "You shouldn't worry. It's nothing really. I just wanted to try it."

"Hmm... If you say so. Just make sure you don't make a mess up there. I wouldn't like to clean up after you two."

"Don't worry, I won't do that. Promise."

She grinned at the little girl politely, avoiding foreshadowing her mischievous intention. Yuzu raised a brow but then shook her head, and went off to clean the dishes. The sly Rukia grabbed the plastic and climbed up the stairs in a rush, toward Ichigo's room.

"Hey Ichigo!" Rukia slammed the door open, startling Ichigo. The teen was studying the moment she barged into his room, and he groaned in anger.

"You aren't allowed here! You _know_ you have your own room now!"

"But that room is so musky and quiet... I can't read my magazines in there," Rukia said in a mild-mannered, yet obviously fake tone.

"No! You can't just-"

"What? Go in here and just read like what you're doing? I _promise_, I'll be _very _quiet." Her emphasis on the promise part truly gave Ichigo the benefit of doubt. He knew this argument could go on forever, and even though she didn't sound convincing enough, it was probably best to trust her now than continue the whole argument throughout the night. He had to make up for his failure and not even Rukia can stand in his way. "Okay, okay. You can stay."

"Yay!"

Like a prancing villain to Ichigo's eyes, she dropped the plastic in her hand on the floor, spilling its contents all over the area. Ichigo clenched his teeth as the magazines crashed down on the floor. He decided to ignore her and went on reading his book.

After a few moments, he had thought everything was silent. Not until, however, a tearing noise popped up from behind him. Much to his dismay, it wasn't a very good sign.

"Rukia!" He screamed behind him. He searched the area for anything suspicious and alas, in her arms he found something so harshly ostentatious, so vicious, and so impeccably malevolent that he threw a fit of anger.

"Potato chips! You _had_ to bring potato chips!"

"What's it to you," Rukia replied as she caressed the small package between her arms like a baby, "I wanted to try this ever since I saw someone eating it."

"_Why_? Of all the things you could bring home, _why potato chips_?"

"Is that the only thing you can ask? _Why_? I'll tell you why. I don't believe eating potato chips is wrong."

"It _is_ wrong, and you know it!" Ichigo was stressing out – and was also stressed upon by the idea of Rukia's awkward appetite on the most annoying type of food he had ever faced.

"I'm going to take a potato chip and eat it. Does that sound so harsh to you?" _And then bite it. Bit by bit._

"You... you... sick-minded midget! Enough of this. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I need to study, so please, just _please_, don't even try."

"Oh, don't worry. I won't." _Except for tonight, of course. Oh, Ichigo, you're so predictable._

Ichigo faced his desk and went on his reading. Rukia observed the sweat flooding all over the side of his head – oh how she adored his anxiety in the matter – it was an event that she would never forget. She completely opened her bag of potato chips and proceeded with the plan.

_Crunch crunch crunch._

At first, Ichigo only twitched slightly as she nibbled on her food, but after a while it grew into a maniacal spasm, and later on it nearly looked as if he would faint from the constant crunching. He had enough of this – and it was time to stop her, once and for all.

"Why? _Why_ are you torturing me like this? What do you want with me?"

She stopped immediately. At first Ichigo felt relieved, but there was something about Rukia's 'Oh, that's interesting' look that bothered him. Rukia, on the other hand, thought that manipulating Ichigo's every whim would be incredibly more fun than just making him spasm his heart out.

"Kiss me."

"What?"

"I said it already. Kiss me. On the lips. Romantically."

"What...? What are you-"

"What part of kissing do you not understand? That's all I ask, and I promise I'll stop this crunching."

"If... that's what you want..."

Both stood up. Rukia walked towards him until her face was just an inch to his. Ichigo leaned down and held her cheek, and lunged at her lips. Rukia slid her hands through his hair and kissed him back softly. He locked his lips to hers for seconds before he finally released them. She felt as if it lasted for hours on end.

"Happy now?"

"Oh yes, very. That was very satisfying."

"Well then, if you don't mind... I'll go back to my studying."

Ichigo sat back down again with the awkward, yet pleasing kiss still lingering through his mind. Now he knows he won't be able to concentrate for the rest of the night, which was honestly a bit depressing. But it was a do or die situation anyway, so he really had to study or else he'll be receiving a low grade in his Algebra subject this year.

To his horror, the same, familiar sound entered his ears. The annoying, imprudent, and utterly nightmarish sound echoed through his head like a never-ending, torturous mantra that degraded his very soul.

_Crunch crunch crunch._

He turned around to face her.

"I think I need another one, Ichigo."

He screamed.

* * *

**A/N**: Sorry about the Death Note reference. I just _had_ to include it! xD


End file.
